When you’re a creative writer, writer’s block has got to be the worst thing to contend with. My block at present is not so much a block, rather an inability to corral the swirling thought in my mind into a cohesive story, especially when much of what my mind is doing is far from my conscious reach.
I stare at a blank page, knowing that my mind is actively evaluating ideas and thoughts, going over scenarios just out of my “eye”, conscious thoughts just don’t translate down to my fingers and out through the keyboard….instead all I am aware of is a blank page and an annoying little cursor flashing back at me, demanding, all the time demanding I put something down that at least makes sense.
Not much makes sense these days. My concentration is elsewhere. My brain is like a computer, there are parts working in the background; you know it’s active because there’s this steady little hum and when you try to do “normal” everyday things, you find you can’t concentrate – there isn’t enough memory left to contend with more than what’s already occurring.
Driving along a roadway and forgetting where you’re going. Listening to someone talk and realizing you haven’t heard a single word….seeing their mouth moving, knowing they are speaking, knowing you are not hearing them and getting frustrated with yourself because you feel like you are somewhere else, not there and you want to be there. Dissociated.
Worse yet, driving, having someone in the seat next to you who is speaking, the radio playing music, words, noises, sounds, movement all around, suddenly you are aware that you are drifting in your lane – your concentration has wandered. Dangerous.
Overstimulated. You feel this on most days and yet, when you sit down in front of that keyboard to exorcise those demons in your mind, they evade capture. Blank screen, flashing cursor, internal frustration, anger.
It seems so simple. You know that mind is actively churning in the background, subconsciously below the surface, it is processing things and occasionally thoughts break through. Disturbing. Flashes of images. Nothing quite conscious, the only conscious awareness is of a flash of something, a feeling, nothing concrete, nothing tangible…..and yet, it continues. You are left in a perpetual state of frustration.
Disconnected from your own mind. It is YOUR mind, so how does it shut you out? Are you really in control of your own mind? Is anyone in control of anything or is the definition of control something we simply delude ourselves with on a daily basis?
The mind is eating up information, processing things that it has decided to keep secret from you, at this point it is insatiable in its quest for an answer….an answer to a question that you are not even aware of. Pointless. Disconnected. You struggle to be here, be now but your mind does not wish to allow you this simple peace. Insatiable.
Your dreams fill with images that make no sense. You awake with feelings of dread. Disturbed. Even at rest, your mind continues at its task, fully separate from you.
How do I speed up this process? How is it I cannot corral my own mind? Where are the cohesive words? The worlds that once flowed from the boundless creatively inherent in the zillions of synaptic connections avaiable to me in my brain……connections that now seem severed.
I write to exercise my creativity. I write to exorcise my mind. My mind is defying me. Writer’s block.