The box containing my life sits tucked away in the far reaches of the second story closet. It is a clear plastic box measuring 2 feet by 3 feet with a dark lid to contain everything it represents. If the box were to open I do not know how I would react, or if I could stop myself from reacting.
I placed my life in a box over 4 years ago. I packed it tightly, forcing everything inside with tears and shaking hands. The box sits there waiting for the sun to shine on it again…or perhaps the darkness of the earth to envelope it. Several times the box has called to me in my dreams, showing me it’s contents, rising up to encircle my body, a macabre dance filled with fear…and tears. I awoke not only with a jolt but with a scream.
One would think that their entire life would be more than what can fit into a single 2 by 3 foot box, but mine did. The way I exist today is not living, the only life I knew is now beneath a pile of blankets and luggage, hidden from view, weighted down so it can never escape…unless I choose to release it.
I fear seeing that box. I fear remembering it’s contents. Blackness, neatly folded, 7 times. Whitewash, neatly folded, 7 times. Stripes, neatly folded, 5 times. A tie, golden tie clip affixed, company insignia, greets anyone who may choose to peer beneath the lid. White gloves folded neatly. Black steel toed boots….these more than anything strike panic in me. Black utility belt. Stethoscope. Reminders of a life that is no more.
I know exactly where that box is from day to day, minute to minute and each night, I check to make sure the door it sits behind is closed tightly. I check now and again to make sure the pile atop it is high and it’s contents are not visible to me. Some days I open the door just to remember that I had a life once…and then I weep hysterically and slam the door, running from the memories that plague me.
Perhaps one day I will find the courage to move on. Perhaps one day that box will open and a life that used to be will go up in plumes of black smoke, dissipating into the heavens. Perhaps one day I will find a new life to display on my shelves for all to see, but for now….
The Box Containing My Life sits in a deep corner of a second story closet.