It came with Anger. Tears. Sadness. Hopelessness swallowed you and made you silent. There were no answers to my questions. There was intense disappointment in a world that had been so unfair to us for so long. In my heart was pain. Was longing. Was anger. Was helplessness. Was fear. I could not reach you.
You were two feet from me but in a complete other world. Your world had no happy ending, no resolution, no warm sunset. Your world was cold, void, dark and silent. Your world held the promise of no more challenges, no more struggle, no more pain…Just. No. More.
I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t hear. My heart thudded loudly in my ears. Slow. Everything was so slow. I see bright yellow. My eyes see as if perched atop my head. Staring at colors. At faces unknown to me. Intimidating. Closing in. I cannot think. I need you near. I need your shield. I need your protection. I cannot see you.
She talks too fast, too friendly, too lighthearted. Her world is intact. She doesn’t see. She hasn’t felt. She cannot know. She smiles. She leans in and I cannot see anything. Closing in again. I feel nothing. I feel nothing. Eyes search for something to hold onto. Shadows move in and out of my vision. I hear voices. Disjointed. So numb. So cold. So slow.
Days have passed. Voices have come and gone. I cannot feel you. I’m alone. I’m shattered. I do not sleep. I do not think. All I want is you. I want to wake up to you. I want to hear you. I want you to tell me it’s all okay. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I am loved. Tell me I am just imagining. You never come. You’ll never come to me again.
You are still. Your face on the verge of laughter. Your hair is neat. I want you to wake up. I want you to laugh and sit up and hold me. I want to scream. I want to scream at how unfair this joke is. People come and go. Faces. Voices. Movement. Hugs. Tears. Inside I’m shattered. So numb. Please just sit up. Just tell me it’s all a joke.
Weeks meld into months. I scream inside. I’m empty. I close my eyes and feel you hold me. I open my eyes and there’s nothing. I listen for you. I hope against hope that I was wrong. My mind refuses to understand. You left me. You were lost. I could not find you. You could not find me. You left. And still I wait for you to walk through the front door.
Storage bins. Your life sits in storage bins neatly stacked. Photos I wish could speak. Inhaling your scent. Falling asleep hugging your blanket. Talking to you, my voice echoes and shatters the silence of this house. Shiny marble container. A single tree. Not a forest. Your name. Dust. Fragments of a life once lived. Molecules of stored energy. You are nowhere. You are everywhere.
You exist as love itself. A concept. Intangible.
You are nowhere and you are everywhere.
The end came with sadness, with Anger.
The End came for you. And left me.